By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...
(More)About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.)
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“We decided long ago to become each other’s staunchest allies . . . If we have a disagreement, we argue each other’s side of it as well as our own. The first thought we have every morning is how to make the day wonderful for the other one. Works like a charm.”
- Unknown
If you all followed this advice, I wouldn’t have a job! Yet most people don’t learn these tools growing up, and so you rub against each other’s rough spots like stones in a tumbler. Eventually you get polished. Sometimes, people run out of hope and rope in the process, and the relationship doesn’t last.
The great news is that you can learn now. The neural pathways in your brain are malleable until you die.
You have to choose to change your behavior. Your partner has to choose to change his/her behavior. You can’t change your partner’s behavior. Remember, just as with kids, to say, “I don’t care for this behavior.” Not, “You’re bad” but “This behavior isn’t acceptable.” So use this format: “When _________, happens, I feel _________, _________, and _________. I need/wish _________.
How would your relationship be different if you had secure attachment (which the quote is a definition of)? How would it be different if you knew you were each other’s champions, that you got really good at arguing both of your sides in a disagreement? If your daily way was to make life wonderful for one another?
I think if we all do this, not only will you have a better marriage, the world will be a much healthier place for everyone.
