If you and your partner have discussed it and agreed that watching porn is okay, then watching porn is not cheating—with caveats. If you both agree with a good heart, and not because one of you is worried about rocking the boat or losing the relationship if you don’t agree, then it’s not cheating.
Note: If you are not able to stand up for yourself and say what you actually want and need in your relationship overall, that’s an issue to deal with right away.
Please know that porn is ACTING. These are not people in a relationship. Porn is not real. Porn is scripted, and acted out. The actors don’t care about the other person/people. Porn is fantasy. Do NOT expect your partner to act like or be a porn actor, or to do what you see.
Here are a few topics to cover in your discussion (please suggest other topics):
• What if she wants to watch porn? According to Statistica.com, 77 percent of women reported never watching online porn, compared to 22 percent on men.
• Is there a double standard?
• Is it okay for each of you to watch porn separately, or do you watch it together?
• How much time will be spent watching porn?
• Is it okay to masturbate while watching porn?
• Do you want to use porn to light a fire you quench together?
There are no right or wrong answers; it’s what works for the two of you.
If someone is secretly watching porn, then there’s already a problem, and the partner in the dark might consider it cheating. Otherwise, why is it being hidden?
Watching porn can be a turn on for couples, or it can be incredibly destructive. Having open and honest communication about sex and one’s sex life is important and liberating (once you get over your embarrassment or shyness, or the fact that many consider sex a taboo topic).
If your partner spills, or you find out that s/he’s been watching porn, try not to jump down his/her throat: ask questions, be curious and courageous. Of course you’ll have reactions; let them rise and fall before you open your mouth. Use this as an opportunity to grow closer and have a deeper connection and intimacy.
Each couple will know if watching porn is cheating or not.
However, you need to have further discussions after agreeing to ensure that you still both feel okay about it after watching porn commences. Keep it an ongoing conversation. You can figure out how often to talk about it, but leaving it open-ended is not a good plan. I recommend you talk about watching porn a month after your agreement, or sooner if a lot of feelings or concerns arise. Depending on how that conversation goes, check in monthly or quarterly for a while.
Mostly I want you to get in the habit of discussing potentially difficult conversations on a regular basis. This is how you prevent the proverbial “pile under the rug” from building up.
