By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...
(More)About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.)
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it is also remembering to take out the trash.” Joyce Brothers
Marriage is sacred and also mundane. It's easy to lose sight of one or the other of those. Think about using the word AND in your relationship.
Joy and struggle.
Happiness and work.
Playfulness and chores.
Wanting and needing.
Receiving and giving.
Serious and funny.
Frustrating and fulfilling.
Disappointing and comforting.
Love and need.
Sexual and sensuous.
Loud and quiet.
Hilarious and challenging.
Exuberant and painful.
Bills and bills and fun things to do together.
Intimate and challenging.
Add your own AND sentences.
The value of AND is that it allows you to be your authentic self. That’s when your inside and outside align. You don’t have to be perfect (no one is—and the effort/energy to reach perfect is much better used toward emotional intimacy). You have to let your true self out in your relationship; otherwise, who gets loved? Your persona or mask. And that’s a lose AND lose for both of you.
You can take baby steps toward being authentic. Be transparent with your beloved. Let her/him know what you’re working on; ask for support.
Let me know how it’s going.
