By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...
(More)About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.)
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If you are like many couples, you may think and act as if your partner learned and experienced life exactly as you did. And therefore s/he should react in the "right," "normal," or "expected" way.
Are you surprised, incensed, or astounded at how he or she reacts to behavior or words that seems different than what you grew up with?
He or she held a different tail (tale) growing up. Neither is better, right or wrong. Just different. "Normal." Whether or not your family was functional or dysfunctional (or some of both), your family system seems "right" to you.
I contend that you must question your own tail/tale in order to be available to your partner's tale. Be exceptionally curious about your partner's tail/tale, too.
What did you learn growing up that works for you? What did you learn that works fine outside the home, but does not work in your personal relationship? Question everything -- but please start with yourself and your fast-held perspectives.
You might have to drop the tail in front of you to gain more perspective.
What tale do you want to create together?
Image from childrenstorytales.com
