By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...
(More)About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.)
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‘Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,“ and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.” But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.’ Kahlil Gibran
When you consider this from a couple’s perspective, it can be easy to get stuck in sorrow, stuck in negativity. The brain has a very strong negativity bias, and you must continually seek joy, forgiveness and cherish one another. You do this through kindness to yourself and to each other. You’re doing the best you can, right? Every day. Kindness can rekindle your marriage.
And you have to make room for sorrow because life gives you challenges, and terrible things happen sometimes. Being able to be in sorrow and support each other in that difficult place opens space for joy. They are the flip side of a coin.
It sure doesn’t feel great to sit in sorrow; that’s okay. It’s how you treat yourself and others during these times that matters. Don’t be mean to yourself or your beloved. Do self-care. What helps you? What comforts you? Exercise is always a good idea. Friends, family, nature . . . Be communicative; others will always make up a story without information—it’s usually incorrect if you don’t share what’s happening with you.
Figure out what brings you joy, individually and as a couple. Make a list of 100 things you like to do. Start doing them. No excuses!
When you feel joy, share it with your spouse, your kids, at work, in your community. Get that joy out into the world.
