Chandrama,

I found out that my wife of 30 years is a lesbian. I had no clue. Our sex life was pretty good, I thought, although not much since she went through menopause and said that her libido is dead. We raised two good kids. Her latest lesbian lover is the wife of one our mutual male friends. I only found out when I noticed scratches on her body, when she got out of the shower.

I feel betrayed, but that is water under the bridge at this point. I had her served with divorce papers, and she went nuts. She said that she never would want to get a divorce, because it is too disruptive (and she doesn't want her latest lover's husband to possibly be informed). She said that she will give up her female lovers, and be a better wife to me, including in bed. She says that women are different than men in that context...they can choose to go either way. Is this true?

Hi Jerry,

I am so sorry you are going through this. There are so many layers to your situation, and they are very important. Based on that, I am going to write a separate column about this, and post it next week.

To briefly answer your last question: The National Health Interview Survey, which is the government?s premier tool for annually assessing Americans? health and behaviors, found that 1.6 percent of adults self-identify as gay or lesbian, and 0.7 percent consider themselves bisexual. Others dispute these numbers as too low.

Your situation is one in which I would highly recommend counseling -- either individual, couples, or both. I hope you have someone you can talk to.

Jerry, with all do respect sir....blow it up. I'd bet you money it's deeper and more hurtful then you think. As a man, you have to know the level or betrayal that your "wife of 30 years" did. For all you know that trip you and her went on 4 years ago has hidden secrets. That's obviously a made up up scenario but you get my idea, how bad did she feel when she was in bed with the women? F her, she could of went about it different and I'm assuming she is smart to know all the consequences her actions could/would cause.serve her again.

Jerry,

Her main concern was for her lover. Shes asking you to conspire in maintaining a deception that affects the other husband. One of the key tests in determining if a marriage is worth saving is if the party that strayed feels any remorse. She just fears the disruption.

Be careful of counciling IMO. Id bet money the councilor is going to take a very one sided view of this given the circumstance, and put the onus on you to be accepting.

Too often councilors are quick to give a free pass to the cheater and distribute blame. In your case Id bet doubly so because of the sexual orientation question.

I appreciate the support and critical comments. I won't stay married to a lesbian. I just wanted to know if women are so 'flexible' with their sexuality that they can freely choose to do whatever they want. My soon-to-be-former wife claims as much. She says that many Palo Alto wives are secret lesbians. She gave me about ten names (amazed me). She says they want to be married, so that they can have a husband to provide for them and their kids. Ironically, she says that these women actually believe in traditional marriage, where the kids have a father in their lives.

She is having a tizzy, and trying to have our kids change my mind. My daughter says I need to understand; my son says to get out ASAP. I will get out, and it will be very disrupting to all involved, including myself. For example, when all our assets, including our house is liquidated, and split 50/50, none of us will be associated with Palo Alto any more. This fact really has her upset, because her secret den of lesbians has found a niche in Palo Alto, apparently.

Live and learn, I guess. Life moves on.

Well , wow- all I can say is it's a real life situation and needs to be dealt with one way or another. Sounds like she is trying to justify her position because she got caught. How much water her story holds about the friends and stuff is just what she says and you're not a detective- plus who cares? That's what I'd repeat. She's scared and doesn't want want to Lise her provider as you it. Tell her life is not a tv show, Separate and be a man, in the mean time make her feel bad. Why not? Have a 40 something Milffy chick play a role. Know what I mean, $200 bucks a week to make her miserable and think you are on top of the world happy would make the awful situation fun. Just rent her, no sex or nothing, phone calls, coffee, who knows!

Jerry,
You sound completely clear that you are done with this marriage. I suggest counseling because essentially a bomb has gone off in your life. That affects you on several fronts: emotionally, kids, financially, finding out you've been valued as a provider (vs. loving husband, to an unknown degree), leaving Palo Alto, etc. This is a time to practice good self-care: exercise, good sleep habits, decent food, not too much alcohol (it's a depressant), support of friends and family.

Chandrama,

Thank you for your sincere concern. However, I am the type of personality that figures the best way out of a hole is to stop digging it. A clean break is best for me.

I am hoping that, should I meet another woman, I can be sure she is not a lesbian. My current wife says there is no way to tell. I would like more assurance on that point. I don't want to make this mistake again.

I know FOR SURE I am not a lesbian.

The easiest way to avoid all these problems is to not get married in the first place. Marriage is the leading cause of divorce.

Very vital story. And thanks for tips. They would be very helpful for actual couples.