By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...
(More)About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.)
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"This relationship is a mess, and I want you to change."
Now look in the mirror and repeat the above statement.
Ouch!
No matter how much we wish we had control over her behaviors, actions, and feelings, we don't. We can not change him.
It's really annoying, isn't it? Because if s/he would just do things my way, we would not be having these issues.
Truth is, we can change. We can learn about how our brain works in relationship, and help it work better for us. Truth is, we have to do the work.
I see change every day. It gladdens my heart. It does not just happen, though.
Change comes from deciding to be vulnerable; by being the first to step forward and interact differently with our partner.
"This relationship has a few issues. I am glad we're in it together, though. I will change to have a healthier, happier life with you."
Now look in the mirror and repeat the above statement.
Look in the mirror: there's the one you can influence.
